I received a letter today……

Mistress Leyla

I hope that you will find my email both respectful and full of admiration for a
Lady I most certainly perceive to be a true Alpha female.

I like to think that I am not the stereotypical male driven purely by physical
beauty, however I most certainly appreciate  the undeniable fact that you
are to say the very least a  divinely beautiful Lady.

However after reading your words, via your very elegant website ,as well as
some of the exerts on your twitter account, you physical beauty is clearly a
projection of the beautiful person, you most surely are.

You are a Lady that clearly should be worshiped and adored by others, as you
are one of those rare and real Women of true Supremacy in mind body and soul.
With out question , you enrich those you deem worthy of your time and or
presence. Possible even giving some a true direction to follow , as well as the
joy that can come with higher meanings, and purpose.

I am sure you are fully aware of the force of nature you are , and how others
will’s bend at your whim , being as with out question once you enter another’s
mind they could not possible be the same again, nor would they wish to be.

I noticed your  enjoyment of chastity , which if I am honest , perked my
interest , being as it  can be a deep and meaningful expression of
devotion and surrender to another. After all where the mind goes the body
surely will follow.  And chastity is most certainly a pure type of
surrender, in both a mental and physical sense.  And of course any
Dominant that can and does make a submissive wear such a device is surely a
Dominant who both revels in, having a true understanding of the true mental
aspect of BDSM and the course and effects.

I am not a weak willed male lost at sea as it were , in fact I like to think I
am the complete polar opposite to most, and have always tended to walk my own
path . However in saying that , I understanding that all males worlds revolve
around Females, to some extent. I most certainly have come to appreciate ,
admire and wish to adore those rare few such as yourself that truly understand
the undeniable  power you wheeled.

In conclusion , I do hope that you will not find my message too random or ,
pointless even, I tend not to sit and compose such messages that often . But
after coming across your site , I found that at the very least I wished to
express , what I hope comes across as genuine admiration for a Lady that simply
was meant to own others, and I admit I do envy those you do own.

yours with respect

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Help defend #BDSM, #LGBTQ, sex work, privacy and free speech.

Help the first UK solicitor to crowd-fund his pro bono work
to defend BDSM, LGBTQ, sex work, privacy and free speech.

If you are reading this and you are in the UK, you may one
day need a lawyer to defend you and yours against the government’s anti-sexual
freedom laws.
Even if you are not in the UK, you may enjoy reading or
viewing material produced there, so this affects you too.
“I am the only lawyer in the UK who specialises in obscenity
law and sexual freedoms”

Myles Jackman is the lawyer who specialises in this work and
he devotes a lot of his time to working pro bono – i.e. for free. Help Myles do
this important work by pledging a small monthly sum.

Help defend BDSM, LGBTQ and free speech * Hush-Hush//cdn.embedly.com/widgets/platform.js

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Types Of Control in #BDSM

Since the different varieties of BDSM overlap, a mutually exclusive and exhaustive classification system is not very useful. Instead an overview of different types of control allows you to express your wants and needs (and meh’s and do-not-want’s) more clearly with your partner.

Physical Control. 

Bondage is the most obvious form of physical control because it restrains the bottom, thus limiting their physical freedom. Of course, physical control is not only about restraining limbs. It can involve confinement, such as keeping someone prisoner in a dungeon or locking a person on a human-size birdcage. It can involve physically overpowering someone without restraints and instead pinning them down with your forearms or using your body weight to keep them off balance. It may involve having a third person stand guard at the doorway in case the bottom flees.

The essence of physical control is that the bottom is not necessarily playing along with the scenario. He or she can resist. The bottom may struggle against restraints, or try to flee the cage, or fight back in a simulated abduction all as part of the escapist arousal process that lends to the sensation of being overpowered by a stronger force—but not necessarily outsmarted by a superior intellect.

Restraint has been shown to induce a mental and physical state of peace, relaxation, and bliss in the bottom; to send them into subspace. Subspace is an altered state. It’s a perfectly natural and normal altered state, like sleep or a runner’s high, but an altered state nonetheless. Imagine the spine tingle you get from a well-told story, the pleasing frubble during a good night drinking, or sense of euphoria during a chemical high. Altered mental states are potent and enticing to your neurochemistry. Being drunk or on drugs induces chemical and physiological changes within your brain, liberating us from our stone-sober, hyper-attentive ego state. Ask a sub to describe the feeling of being controlled by some-one else. They’ll usually say, “It’s like going to my happy place.”

I once met a young rope fetishist who was a well-known top, highly analytical and articulate about his own experience. He explained things this way.

I love to bottom. I feel at home in rope. The feeling I get, it’s ensconcement, like being hugged, cocooned, even cradled in rope. I bottomed for Sir Moon who moved out of the state and so I sought a new top but could not find someone even close to the same skill level. Sloppy rope just sucks. Moon’s technical precision is unmatched. Nothing produced the same satisfying sensations. So I decided to start topping. If I couldn’t experience the sensation for myself, I would capture it empathetically by giving it to others. I would do it right.

By the way, people who identify as top or bottom but who never experience things from the other side are missing out on a remarkably enlightening perspective. I top. I am in my glory when I’m tying a woman I’m attracted to and have a deep emotional connection with. But it’s extraordinarily difficult to “feel” things from a point of view other than your own, even if you have an incredible imagination and tons of empathy. For the purpose of education (as opposed to stimulation) I’ve bottomed, and there are practical and ineffable aspects that can-not be observed from the perspective of the top. The sensory elements, the touch, the presence. To describe it destroys it because words give an artificial sense of specificity, as though the whole episode were a mechanical process rather than a subtle experience. Words fail.

In fact that’s an important truth. The BDSM experience cannot be transmitted to someone who has not experienced it firsthand merely by watching others or simply with a description. Despite the fact that I use writing as one medium to convey ideas, even the best writing only conveys gross concepts, makes metaphorical connections, and illustrates logical points. Experience alone captures essence. Words cannot do justice to the actual sensations, the feelings, and the nuance of a kinky experience. And thank goodness for that.

Psychological Control. 

In contrast to physical control, psychological control is about the submissive yielding to the dominant, whether fully and without hesitation or as a spritely minx who pokes, prods, and cajoles the dominant into action.

Psychological resistance play involves a submissive who tacitly agrees to the dominant’s desires, but in the spirit of play seeks loopholes, denies her own malicious intentions, and provokes an incident to create erotic drama. Often in resistance play the submissive challenges and thwarts the dominant, apparently out of disrespect or irreverence, only to find the dominant’s reprisals used to re-establish the default power dynamic. Bottoms who engage in resistance play are referred to as brats, sprites, or smart ass masochists (SAMs).

Psychological acquiescence incorporates the active search for discipline, structure, and servitude. Once the templates of traditional relationship structures have been destroyed in a fit of sexual ecstasy, it is not uncommon to meticulously restore order from the new wide-openness, to reassert boundaries, principles, and expectations under the guidance of the dominant. Thus the submissive fully and unhesitatingly accepts the dominant’s directions. This does not mean the submissive asks no questions; rather, questions are used to clarify the intentions and anticipate the likely desires of the dominant. Questioning is generally not intended to confront or debate the will of the dominant as in resistance play.

In some sense, the distinction between resistance play and acquiescence illustrates the degree to which the roles are taken seriously. That is, the relationship may involve a serious commitment by both partners, yet the type of psychological control may be accepted lightly or with great solemnity. Psychological control relationships can be made formal and may in-corporate servitude contracts, specific rules, and explicit consequences such as physical punishment, humiliation, or the removal of privileges.

To an outsider the behavior in a control relationship may appear abusive. But for the participants there is an incredible amount of physical and mental satisfaction. These controlling elements create structure and order, like a puzzle to be solved. Rules and consequences encourage strategic thinking much like chess and other games of strategy sharpen the mind. The thrill for the top or dominant is to establish the rules of the game, to define the structure and take control. The thrill for the bottom or submissive is to play within or violate the rules, to explore the structure, to vie for or yield control.

A piece of advice to dom(me)s: don’t make rules you won’t enforce. Even though my inner sensitive new-age guy tempts me to say, “Hey little buddy, it’s okay. Any-thing goes! You do what works for you and I’ll do what works for me and the world will be rainbows and unicorns!” I can tell you from experience that there’s nothing more frustrating for a submissive than a dominant who doesn’t keep his word. It destroys trust, creates confusion about true expectations, and sours the relationship.

Distinguish rules from guidelines if you must. But enforce your rules.

Taken from:  How to start a kinky relationship. James Amoureux LINK

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Processing Pain in Play: What Can Interrupt or Block Pain Processing?

 By lunaKM Submissive Guide 

What do you think can interrupt your pain processing ability?
If you’ve experienced anything like I have, there are moments where you just
can’t change the pain response to anything beyond pain. What normally feels
really good is just not. There are a number of things that can block your
ability to translate the pain using techniques talked about earlier.

Let’s think about the things that we need to actively
process pain and make play enjoyable for both parties. You need focus, trust,
little to no distraction, appropriate mood, and a healthy and rested body. Any of
these things can fall out of balance and then you may have issues processing


Mood is separated in two parts. Your emotional state and the
environmental mood set up by the scene.

If you are in a bad mood you won’t respond to pain well. You
may fight the pain or store it up without a release mechanism. A negative
mindset can also make pain seem more intense and bring you to your edge a lot
faster and with less positive benefits. Did you have a bad day at work and are
still angry? What about your household chores; does seeing the dishes
incomplete make you frustrated? You’ll want to work on your mood before you

Bad moods aren’t typically a good time to play for the Top
either, so if you notice that your Top is in a bad mood it might be a good time
to postpone and decide to play later on.

The mood that was established for the scene can also hinder
your pain processing. If the music is unpleasant, the room is too warm or too
cool or there’s just too much clutter you may lose the ability to focus on the
pain and use your processing techniques correctly. Mixing different play types
can be distressing to you as well. Take for example, if your Top starts out
with a light-hearted sensation scene and then it shifts to an intense pain
scene your body may not be able to translate that change in the way you need
to. Working with the Top to learn better transitions in play would be a benefit
for your management.


If you cannot focus you will not be able to control the way
you manage the pain. Any kind of distractions can do it; from financial
worries, incomplete tasks, family strife to the simple paper cut bothering you
can knock you off your game. Losing your focus on what’s going on also inhibits
your responses, so you are actually robbing your Top of their enjoyment. If you
are unable to focus, take a break and perhaps play another time.

If you just focus on the pain without any pain management it
will make it more intense. Some novice submissives think that if they focus
directly on the pain that they will get through the session faster and with
guts of steel. Sure, if you make the pain more intense and don’t try any of the
management techniques talked about previously, you are going to have to end the
scene faster because you will reach your edge long before your Top wants you
to. Also, toughing it out and acting macho could get your hurt; and not in a
good way. If you find yourself unable to do anything but grit your teeth through
the pain it would be best if you stop play and try another time. (Caveat:
Punishment for wrong doing you can’t usually ask for a rain check just because
you can’t get past the pain.)


Fear and anxiety will make pain feel more intense. Intense
pain will add to your fear and anxiety. It’s a circle of distrust that can be
temporary or permanent. There is no doubt that some of the activities we do can
cause fear and anxiety, but if there’s a foundation of trust with your partner
this fear will be temporary.  This is a
positive form of fear.

If however, this fear and anxiety is a negative  result of things and the trust is broken for
other reasons, then the pain you experience will be so intense that it will
drive your fear higher and could lead to panic.


Beyond fear is terror and beyond anxiety is panic. These are
similar to fear and anxiety but to a much greater degree. When you
experience  these emotions it’s
practically impossible to be able to process pain in any way. Your mind has
superseded your pain processing with these other emotions. Terror and panic
make it impossible to focus.

Most people can’t safely maintain a state of terror or panic
for very long. The body tends to shut down and exhaustion sets in.

The next time you prepare for pain play of any sort, see
where your mind is at. Are you prepared for the active processing you will need
to do or is your focus on something that will only make the experience more
difficult for you?

Tomorrow I’m going to talk about the false edge. This is the
limit we impose on ourselves as far as pain tolerance, but isn’t where our
actual pain tolerance lies. Together, we’ll work on trying to break free of the
false edge and soar into heightened pleasures with pain.

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